Harry Potter and Big D
by rulerxofxnestleyland
Summary: Okay, imagine gangsta!Harry, pimp!Dumbledore, and plumber!Voldie. This is what you get. A fun piece oneshot. xD


A/N - This is just a short fun piece I wrote in like, less than half an hour, when I was bored and unable to sleep. I honestly don't know what possessed me to write it. Don't flame me if you don't like it/if you think it's a disgrace to HP, or whatever; I don't want to hear it. It's completely pointless, just something that would definitely bring a smile to your face. If not, oh well, because I had a blast writing it. Please drop me a line to tell me what you think, because it's my first attempt at a humor one-shot and I wanna know if I'm hopeless, lol. Thanks!

Harry Potter strolled into Dumbledore's office, his face smug as he nodded to the elderly wizard.

"Yo, Big D, whaddup?"

"Harry, my man!" Dumbledore got up and grabbing Harry's hand in an arm-wrestling position touched his right shoulder to the boy's. "How's you?"

"Poppin'. I ain't got a lot of time, though, Big D," Harry said in a low voice, sitting down in front of the wizard's desk. "I got some real dirt on our guy."

Big D looked clueless, and tilted his head, asking, "Who?"

Harry rolled his eyes, "The fly with the big dick, buzzing next to your ear!" He proclaimed sarcastically. "Voldie, man—who else?"

"Oh, right," Big D nodded, fingering his blue mohawk before straightening his long white beard. "What 'chu got on him?"

"Dude," Harry leaned forward. "You ain't gon' believe this shit. He's quit bein' a wizard and all. He's goin' into being some big-ass-deal pimp. And he's makin' a whole lot of dope fixing muggle toilets all over the damn country."

Big D fell silent, trying to take in all this. And then he burst out in furious indignation, "I'm the only pimp in the wizarding world, man! What the hell! But wait—What else you say he doin'?"

"Fixing muggle toilets," Harry repeated solemnly. "He lost his marbles for sure this time, man."

"You sure of this?" The former headmaster twisted his face up in disgust. "And his Dung-Eaters?"

"They doin' just that!"

"What the--"

The boy nodded. "He ain't Voldemort the Dark Lord no more. He Voldemort the Dark Plumber now, man."

"What good is that?" Big D snapped, but then the telephone he'd recently acquired rang on his desk. He picked up the phone and pressed the receiver to his ear. "Big D here," he snarled before grinning. "Voldie! How you doing man? I heard you been whoring around and fixin' toilets. What happened to you?—What? No. No, man! Harry Potter—he dead, man. He as dead as they come. I never seen deader." He nodded. "Oh. Yeah? You suffocated him with what? Never mind."

He raised an eyebrow at Harry, who rolled his eyes again, lighting a cigarette and propping his feet up on the pimp's desk. "Anyway—You ain't gon' be around terrorizing us no more, huh? Shame, I really wanted to shove my wand up your ass." A pause, and then the headmaster laughed loudly, before his eyes narrowed. "Oh _yeah_, about that. Pimpin' is MY job! You hear me? Yeah, you better remember you're _second _to me. No, no partnership. _No, _you dumb faggot, I don't wanna do the Boogie Woogie with you."

A quick flash of Voldemort and Dumbledore, side by side with their asses up in the air and arms moving side to side, doing the Boogie Woogie went through Harry's head. He snickered.

"What? Huh. If you say so. When? Okay," Big D was saying, his expression confident and rather self-satisfied. "Peace out, man. Wait—Who's that with you?" His mohawk drooped in shock. "THAT'S MY WHORE! MINNIE!" The line went dead, apparently, because Big D replaced the receiver, his expression murderous.

"What the—" Harry sat up with a start, blinking and putting his feet back down as he leaned forward curiously. "McGonagall going behind your back, Big D?"

"She gon' regret this, man," Big D muttered darkly. "She gon' regret this."

"Tough luck," the boy shook his head. "But hot damn, she sure is one fine mama. Beats me why she ain't shown those legs back when I was in school."

Dumbledore scowled.

"Don't worry, I ain't after her," Harry drawled, some smoke escaping his nostrils as he noticed Big D's expression. "So what else did ol' Voldie say?"

The pimp shook his head. "He challenged me to a duel, homie."

"Huh? I thought he ain't a wizard no more."

Big D looked irritable. "Not _any _duel, dickhead. A plumbing duel."

"Whatever the hell that is," Harry muttered in disbelief. "You don't know two fucks 'bout plumbing, man."

"That's what you think," Big D replied smugly. "He's goin' down."


End file.
